You Can't Make Me Spring Forward

Screw all of you forward-springing sheeple! THINKSTOCK
Dear Fascist Dictator America,
I have an idea: Why don't you spring forward... ONTO MY BALLS?
I never agreed to your STUPID scheme to trick the workforce into being more productive, just like I never asked to be born. But unlike my STUPID parents, this is some bullshit I can actually do something about. And so here it is: I simply refuse to "spring forward." I will not subscribe to your daylight saving time LIE. Not in my n