Good Morning! Everyone Is Talking About Where Ted Cruz's Penis Has Been!

by Dan Savage
The National Enquirer—which broke the John Edwards sex scandal—has a report out in their new issue that's equal parts scandal rag and appetite suppressant:
Presidential candidate Ted Cruz is trying to survive an explosive “dirt file” on the finger-wagging conservative senator! And the new issue of The National ENQUIRER — on newsstands now — reveals how the reports say the staunch Republican is hiding FIVE different mistresses! “Private dete