Writer in the dark on how to cure gopher trouble

Recently, grown men in silly outfits anticipated the reaction of a groundhog to determine their futures. They waited for him to see his shadow to make a prediction about our lives and see if we should store our itchy winter outfits. He has only been correct 13 times in 28 years.
I saw a shadow and thought there was a bus following me. It turned out to be my own shadow after a weight gain.
I was reminded of a more competent bugger; a gopher who taunted me in my last home. He had eaten six cabbage