Let's overanalyze the Apple event invite

The launch of a new iPhone in the second week of September has become so regular an event that you could set your Apple Watch by it. Equally consistent is Apple’s teasing or trolling with the invite, which I’m now going to indulge in deciphering for the 2016 edition. It’s actually a little more informative than usual — or maybe it’s more amenable to over-interpretation. Either way, let’s overthink this thing together.
Firstly, without trying to insult your int