Why Apple's record-setting quarter was actually...bad?

Apple had a good quarter so now we must set about figuring out how Apple actually had a bad quarter. It’s just a thing we do.
Writing for MarketWatch, Thomas H. Kee, Jr. says “Apple’s financial results were worse than you think.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Tibor Csapo and Alex.)
They were worse than record-breaking revenue? Oh, no!The iPhone maker had resumed growing after three straight quarters of sales declines; earnings beat analysts’ estimates; and the outlo