The Fiver | Imagine this read out in the sombre tone adopted post-match on BT Sport

Sign up now! Sign up now! Sign up now? Sign up now!Well that was quite the weekend for fans of schadenfreude. You’d have to be populating a very niche intersection on the great Venn diagram of life not to have found at least one of those results mildly amusing. All three if you’re lucky. The Fiver has no allegiances to anyone or anything, and as a result laughed so hard we got through five pairs of trousers and now require sodium supplements. But there are limits even to our nihilism