A highly sarcastic Android security warning

Holy floppin' hellfire, Henry! Have you heard? A terrifying new form of Android malware is running amok — stealing passwords, emptying bank accounts, and drinking all the grape soda from the refrigerators of unsuspecting Android phone owners.We should all be quivering in our rainboots, according to almost all the information I've read on these here internets. Numerous adjective-filled news stories have warned me that the "scary new Android malware" is "spreading quickly," targeting "milli